Or Gute Reise zu den Bedauernswerten if you are Angela Merkle although why you would want to be I don't know. The new year is upon us and the status quo is begrudgingly bidding us a pathetic farewell. Harry Reid packed a suitcase curiously absent of any athletic equipment. The president and his consistently unappreciative wife are about to set sail on a ship made of hope and change. A cruise ship designed with the establishment in mind. Gold taps, Michelin star food delivered on the backs of democrat devoted minorities. The establishment, thanks to the Tea Party is about to set sail for the land of sunday talk shows and university professorships. In other words the sort of living our Washington politicians have come to expect.
Ironically while this ship of fools sets sail it will float past Vladimir Putin. Russian dictator and part time nudist. Four years ago the left mocked Mitt Romney for saying Russia is a major geopolitical foe. Today Putin regularly steals Obama’s lunch money. Who would have thought a horse riding nipple enthusiast would be a threat to Europe? President Obama didn’t because he believes being Obama stops all persons from doing anything Obama doesn’t like. Every time the partially naked Putin flexes his pecs Obama threatens him with a negative entry in the book of world history. Much like the Nazis marching into Paris and the French president saying “the Germans aren’t going to be invited to many parties after tonight”.
Meanwhile the cruise ship Royal Soetoro meanders on in the mediterranean. From the Obama’s balcony they can see several fires. “Never mind” says the always bitter Michelle Obama. “Let’s go to the dining room. There are several waiters I want to accuse of being racist”. And so they go while Christians and Muslims alike are set fire to in Iraq. All the while everyone tries to figure out what a red line means.
While the Obama’s dine on the depression of the people that supported them two tables away sits what is left of the New York times. “The economy will collapse and the world will be thrown into a post apocalyptic film starring Mel Gibson and Kurt Russell” screamed an hysterical Paul Krugman while cashing his rather large paycheck. Across from Paul was a fidgety Maureen dowd. She was angry. There were no men for her to lash out at. Admitting defeat she returned to her cabin and bathed in several glasses of gin and wrote a scathing email to the pope accusing him of being evil because he has testicles. The pope never replied as he realized turning the other cheek can make life a hell of a lot easier. This zen moment was interrupted by Chris Hayes desperately trying to be realavant. He spent the morning assuring people he was not Rachel Maddow. Rachel Maddow spent the morning wishing she was Megyn Kelly with a penis.
Not everyone was able or invited to sail the Royal Soetoro. People such as the middle class, lower class, christians, nuns were not invited. As the ship sailed by the people got on with their lives of desperation. Michelle Obama had a mojito while complaining that she can’t go to Target.
As the good ship Soetoro sailed it’s way out to sea in a way only sailors and Don Lemon would understand the rest of the country was breathing a sigh of relief incomprehensible to the elitists. Eight years is a long time to live under a shroud. Obama campaigned on a platform of hope and change but once elected he switched gears to apologize to the world and lecture us. Eight years of being told we are the problem. Eight years later it has become apparent that the Obamas were simply punishing us for the things we never did. Slavery was a horrible stain on the history of the United States. The stain that keeps on giving if you’re an Obama. They use it like a credit card where they never have to send in the check because they are entitled. Much like many of the people they constantly demonize. That’s an odd sort of alliance. The rich and the left. Why do the rich consistently support the democrats when the democrats cast them as the second coming of Jeffrey Dahmer, eating their way through the bank accounts of the poor and middle class. Stockholm Syndrome or simply the need to feel super special? Either way these vapid celebrities always pledge to abandon ship whenever the waters get a bit choppy however whenever when the oceans calm down they have yet to abandon ship.
More on the celebrities
Appearing tonight on the good ship Soetoro for your entertainment pleasure for one night only is none other than her frumpiness Lena Dunham. She will be on stage, probably naked and then will be tweeting afterwards about all the awful things she believes the audience was thinking about her body. Spoiler alert, the audience was mostly right. The words pale, bloated weird, lumpy and what is that? Are already trending. Trending slightly more are tweets about the soon to be former first ladies penis. Trending not at all are anything about the president’s masculinity.
The main ballroom of the ship was electric. The who’s who of Hollywood was there. Splendid in fashion and bitter in mood. There in the back was Charlie Sheen molesting a waitress in between vodka tonics with one of the Kardashians. No one knows which one. Especially the Kardashians. There on the left was George Clooney who hired an entire team of nutritionists to try and get his wife to eat a hamburger. They failed. Cher, Madonna and Susan Sarandon split a bottle of the house wine while debating whose nipples were closest to their navels. Sarandon was the winner though Cher won “whose facial muscles move the least”.
George Clooney realizing that his wife will never weigh more than a bag of trail mix poured his soul into the lap of Leonardo Dicaprio who just happened to stop by while his private jet was being refueled. He was on his way to a conference in Belize about climate change and the need to stop non celebrities from using fossil fuels.
Over there was Rachel Maddow still looking like she was goosed by Burt Reynolds back when Burt Reynolds looked like Burt Reynolds. She then signed an autograph for an Estonian staff member who was looking for an autograph from Chris O’Donnell. Chris Hayes couldn’t get out of his highchair and Wolf Blitzer never received his boarding pass.
Back on dry land Detroit is on fire yet again. No one actually in Detroit noticed. Rahm Emanuel was envious. He didn’t have a fire to distract the people from all the gun violence in his gun free utopia. Down in Maryland Marilyn Mosby was updating her resume.
Of course none of this bothered those sailing on the Royal Soetoro. They were either too busy wishing Donald Trump would die in a farming accident or too busy figuring out how to get out of their pledge to move to Canada. Canada by the way realizes it dodged bullet.
Lena Dunham was in the pool-naked. Everyone else was purposely elsewhere. They all had excuses. George Clooney said he had to go to his cabin because his wife promised to actually eat something. Matt Damon was helicoptered away to do yet another Jason Bourne film. Al Gore was thrown overboard for being more boring than his lecture on diesel engines and Madonna was busy getting her nightly penicillin shots.
The night is long and the mood is sour. Where is the former soon to be the most greatest president that never was ? Where is her highness Hillary Clinton? She’s certainly not in Wisconsin or Michigan. She never was. In fact she campaigned little but fundraised a lot. Let’s be honest here, why bother spend the time in Wisconsin talking to people who can barely afford a fiver when you can be with George Clooney and his emaciated wife and their friends who will donate millions? Middle America doesn’t matter. Most of america prefers to eat, have a job and not be accused of racism simply because they don’t like being poor and desperate. That sort of thing never caught on with the democrats.
Any road, Hillary and Bill chose not to board the Royal Soetoro for its voyage into elitist obscurity because the bed in the Vince Foster suite wasn’t big enough for three and Charlie Sheen had already commandeered all the female staff. Also, Huma doesn’t like boats.
Apparently after captaining the political Titanic twice Hillary is running out of excuses as to why she lost...twice. Russia has a nice ring to it and democrats have short memories. Racism? Of course. Sexism? Sure, she’s a woman. Throw in every other ‘ism’ and you have a self abusing disaster who spent her life working towards being president of the United States but ended up being a slow motion version of the Khymer Rouge. Millions died (emotionally) but she accomplished little and she couldn’t care less (see her non appearance at her election party)
At this point there is no turning back. The Good Ship Soetoro is set for a four year meandering in an ocean filled with liberal tears, liberal lies and liberal hypocrisy. America finally has a chance and Clooney's wife still won't eat.